You took my shinning star

to my girls- you know who you are :D

hmmmmmmmm how to start ..... you guys know of course know my mother doesnt love me fullstop. my mothers treatment of me is known as neglect a type of abuse (not that it felt like that)
i cant remember much of my child hood very little infact its hard to explain but just imagine a large black hole thats my memories of jennie . i remember bits though i will tell you about them


first and most rememebered memory:
i was 3 i think. Jennie had slapped me fairly hard on my right cheek i was petrified i was hiding in the corner of the kitchen by the cupboard. crying alot. Jennie came shuffling in, sobbing, she was begging me to forgive of course i did but now as i look it reminds me of what a woman beater does when he hits his wife he begs and pleads with her for forgivness but the monster inside is waiting to stir again ....

jennie had a fair few boyfriends married and not, one i remember the most is Alan er he looks like nashon and dan murithi mixed. i met at a club with my ;i didnt like him straight away, he tried with me dont get me wrong. but kids just notice bad people straight away out of instict. after that i never saw him.

7 years old now, i went home after seeing my dad for the weekend. i walked up
up the path to flats as normal and pressed the buzzer once...twice...three times .... i guess you know she wasnt in but it hurt alot it was the first time i realised i wasnt loved- by her at least.
i was also locked in the cupboard but i dont remember that.

aydin was born just after i turned 8 he weighed 6 pounds 14oz precisely. i was a mother the first time i held him i definately loved him ore then jennie any way i still do it hurts every time i think of him and i worry alot about him.

it cut deep when i left him behind because i promised i wouldn't i hate breaking promises
anyhoo thats it
peace out
xx